(Stockholm, Sweden)
The Nobel Foundation has announced that Ludlow, Kentucky (USA) native, Rick Robinson, has been awarded their Peace Prize for his development of, what he calls, the “Calm the #@%& Down” vaccine.
In presenting the award, the sub-committee chair, Olie Usuag, said that Robinson’s historic development will be hailed by service employees, flight attendants and drive-through cashiers across the globe.
Unlike COVID-19 vaccines that do not contain computer chips or secretive hidden substances used to control the behavior of shot recipients, Robinson’s serum is chock full of microscopic chips, GPS tracking devices and marijuana.
According to people proclaiming to be scientists, the microchips in the serum track when an individual is about to enter a rage and then discharges tetrahydrocannabinol (aka THC, the psychoactive substance found in Cannabis) into that person’s bloodstream to calm them the #@%& down.
A GPS tracking device was added to the vaccine so that the discharge of THC is automatic when people with the shot enter airplanes, grocery stores, local school board meetings and the floor of the United States House of Representatives. In the event of road rage, a microchip will give a vaccinated driver an emergency rush of THC, automatically steer the person’s vehicle to the side of the road and call for an Uber. The Uber driver will be instructed to arrive with a bag of Doritos.
Booster shots will be available for people attending ‘60s and ‘70s rock band reunion tour concerts.
While the serum has been heralded by waiters and waitresses world-wide, it is not yet available to the general public. The active ingredients in the serum are currently being tested by the FDA, the CDC and the after-midnight crowd at Waffle House.
Robinson has already sold the rights to his mood-altering shot. Once the government gives its official approval, the vaccine will be distributed by an Elon Musk owned company under the product name of “4:20 Serum.”
Legal Disclaimer: Check with your doctor (or adult children) to see if 4:20 Serum is right for you. Side effects may include dilation of the pupils, munchies, excessive weight gain, increased playing of video games, chronic giggling and acute peacefulness. People who take 4:20 Serum are prone to being mesmerized by watching the Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. Some patients who use 4:20 Serum experience paranoia, but this symptom will diminish once people quit following them around. Those who may not be able to afford 4:20 Serum will be sent to a Phish concert for temporary secondary smoke treatment. In the event a person experiences a bummer reaction to 4:20 Serum, call Domino’s for delivery of a Chicken Taco Pizza and a side-order of Cheesy Bread Twists.
Granting the Nobel Prize to Robinson was not without controversy. The committee even had trouble determining in which category development of 4:20 Serum should be placed. Some felt it was a medical discovery. Others (likely potheads themselves) wanted the award to be in the category of Peace. Robinson intervened.
“They were going to give me the Nobel Prize for Medicine,” Robinson declared. “But Kentucky has yet to recognize the medical benefits of marijuana. So, what better way to promote legalization than through peace.”
Robinson turned down the cash prize usually accompanying the traditional gold medal, adding, “I’d probably spend most of the money driving back and forth to Colorado to buy gummies and the rest I’d just blow on stupid stuff.”
This column is satirical. Neither Rick Robinson nor NKY Magazine are promoting medication and its content should not be taken at face value.
Rick Robinson’s latest book A Fish Ate My Homework – a beginner’s guide to fly fishing is available at the Suspension Press in Covington and on Amazon.
